I am posting the letter I wrote to my fiancee today.  I am not completely sure why.  Maybe I want someone to read this and say I understand and if you do please tell me.  Has anyone else ruined their own lives so much that they just can't deal with it anymore?  The only thing I have done right is my daughter and even that, well let's be honest, I got knocked up.  She doesn't have a father, she just has me and I just have her, but God do I love that little girl more than life itself.  She doesn't know it bust she saves my life every single day.  Maybe when she is an adult and will understand I will thank her for that.

To provide a little background, you should no a few things.  I take complete responsibility for the mistakes I have made, this includes Tyler.  I chose to marry someone I knew for two weeks.  I admit to this mistake.  The problem is that I really did love him.  And I think he is the only person that has ever truly devastated me for this very reason.  Anyway...  Thats neither here nor there, he is the past.  And right now, Carina is my future and my world. 

Thanks for reading...

Aaron,

I am writing this to try to say everything I need to say.  I am in so much pain.  I don’t think that you realize how much I cry or how much everything hurts.  I know that you feel like you are being forced to pay for Tyler’s mistakes and everything else that has happened to me.  I feel like I need to be in therapy and back in my support group. 

I am not ready to be engaged or married.  I love you, but I don’t feel like I am ready to be in a relationship right now at all.  I don’t feel like I have taken anytime to ever deal with all the hurt and pain I have gone through.  I also know that if we break up I am going to regret it because I do love you and you are the only good guy that has ever cared about me.  So I don’t know what to do.  You have already point blank told me that if you go back to Omaha that you don’t think you will ever be able to come back to Oklahoma in the future when I would be ready.  So I am completely stuck.  And that feeling frustrates me and makes me cry even more than I already am.

I hate the woman I have become.  I am bitter and depressed and nothing seems to help.  There have been moments where I am so busy and preoccupied that I forget all the pain, but the harsh reality is that I can’t spend every waking moment at the zoo or playing Singstar with our friends. 

I really need to focus on me and get better, but I know that means I hurt you and I lose you.  I cannot win the situation I have put myself into.  I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want to lose you.  But the truth is that I am not ready for this.  I am not ready to have sex or get married or even be focused on making a relationship work.  I am really emotionally sick right now.  My mom has offered to pay for me to go back to my therapist and I am going to go back to my support group.  Aaron, I am so depressed right now that the only thing keeping me from killing myself is that I can’t imagine not being with Carina.  This is not about you, you have been my best friend and cheerleader and I really do love you.  I don’t know what to do.  I am really sick and I know that you won’t understand and you will think it is you.  But it’s not.  Truly.  Please help me. I do see a future with you and a family, I need you to help me.